The vulnerability paradox
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The JD Letter September 14, 2024 Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness." - Brené Brown When we're born we don't give a crap about being naked, being covered in food, or how much we scream. No one is born with pre-established beliefs, mannerisms, or limitations. Babies aren't afraid of rejection, scared to fail, or feel shame for being vulnerable. It isn't until we become toddlers that we start to become aware of society's norms and expectations. That's when we start to manifest our first signs of shame and embarrassment. At just 2-3 years old, you start to perceive yourself as a flaw. This mostly comes from the amount of times you are told by your caregiver that you have done something wrong. You slowly start to understand that throwing a tantrum in the supermarket will get you punished. By the time you're 5-7 you start engaging in more structured tasks where your performance is judged. Subconsciously you start comparing yourself to others and become more aware of what success and failure mean. The desire to meet expectations from parents, teachers, or peers can lead to a fear of not living up to the expectations. This results in some children avoiding challenging tasks or feel anxious about trying new things, fearing they won’t succeed. Around ages 7-12, social relationships become more important. Humans develop an innate need for social acceptance, and as peer groups become a central part of any child’s world, the fear of being disliked grows. This fear intensifies during adolescence. And just like that you start experiencing social anxiety and seeking approval from the external world. Let's be real: Opening up makes you feel like you’re naked. The literal definition of the word vulnerable comes from latin vulnus, meaning "wound". Vulnerable continues to carry its original meaning of “capable of being physically wounded”. But since the late 1600s being vulnerable includes verbal criticism as well. However, vulnerability is necessary to make meaningful connections with others. It’s important to remember that not everyone deserves access to that level of trust. It is equally faulty to be vulnerable with everyone and to be vulnerable with no one. The former is the most ingenuous and the latter alludes to safety. Neither are good or contribute to your development as a person. Let's explore how you can find the balance between the two and how that can lead to your personal growth. Why keeping it all inside is hurting your social life
As human beings, we need three core things in order to feel truly happy and healthy: love, connection, and belonging. These three pillars make or break our emotional well-being. Yet, the path to fulfilling these needs is often packed with obstacles. There's a battleground of scarcity, shame, and fear, especially when it comes to being vulnerable. But I think vulnerability is misunderstood. Society tends to equate it with weakness, when in reality, it’s a sign of growth, not a cry for help. It’s through moments of openness and honesty that we break down the very barriers that isolate us. The problem? We're constantly bombarded by cultural messages that make vulnerability feel unsafe. Every day, you're told in subtle and not-so-subtle ways that you're not good enough, not smart enough, or not attractive enough. This messaging creates a cycle of self-doubt, keeping people from opening up and seeking deeper connections. But here's what I learned when I began to open up to friends and family about my sexuality: vulnerability didn’t weaken my relationships, it strengthened them. It led to a level of growth and intimacy I hadn't experienced before. Vulnerability is honesty. Vulnerability is being raw. Vulnerability has no filters. What you think will push people away will make you connect deeper with the right ones. The fear of being judged or rejected was overshadowed by the support I gained. In a culture that thrives on perfection and superficial success, choosing to be vulnerable is a radical act of courage. Vulnerability is starting a business. Vulnerability is sharing your passion. Vulnerability is sharing an unpopular opinion. Vulnerability is saying I love you first. Vulnerability is sharing your art with people. Vulnerability is trying something new. Vulnerability is announcing your goals in public. Vulnerability is admitting that you’re wrong. Vulnerability is asking for forgiveness. The consequences of not addressing your fears"Our deepest scars reveal the greatest transformations, if we dare to embrace our vulnerability." - Steven Kotler Anything that you use to escape is considered numbing. For example, binge watching tv after a hard day, or drinking excessively after a stressful situation. But here's the harsh truth: None of these actions address the root of your problems. All they do is keep you away from experiencing positive emotions that only come from living life with awareness. Another common way people tend to numb themselves to avoid confronting reality is perfectionism. Being a perfectionist is just another way of saying you never feel like you're good enough. For example you can be doing everything right in your relationship in hopes you never break up but you break up anyways. After that you may blame yourself and feel shame because you weren't "perfect" enough. But in reality, it had nothing to do with you. Perfectionism is used for protection. But the problem with perfectionism is seeking approval from external sources. And then there's workaholism. That feeling that you need to always be working on something or else you're not being productive. You bury yourself into so much work as a way to distract yourself from your current reality. When you are stuck in these behaviors, you become unable to experience connection and belonging. A healthy relationship whether romantic or not, is cultivated by vulnerability and trust in one another. Intimacy is not possible without those things. Numbing is not the solution, it's a temporary band aid. One that delays the process of healing and being your true authentic self. The 5 habits of emotional liberation
Here are 5 emotional liberation habits that will lead to a more vulnerable you: 1) Identify what triggers you to not be vulnerable We’re conditioned to armor up, and to put on a face of invincibility. This is why recognizing what triggers our vulnerability is so powerful. Observe what makes you feel ashamed? What are the common patterns? Write it down when it happens and revisit what you wrote often. You'll be surprised at the patterns you identify. 2) Practice more self compassion Saying "I only worked out 3 times this week because I had a rough week" is not the same as saying "I had a rough week and still worked out 3 times." One feeds doubt. The other one fuels growth. Be kind to yourself the same way you are kind to others. 3) Practice speaking and writing about your insecurities The more comfortable you become speaking to people about your experiences, the less self-conscious you become about it. This is also a form of therapy in itself. When my grandmother passed away I wrote her a letter and I spoke about her on every opportunity I had to do so. Overtime, this helped me heal and deal with grief instead of being ashamed for still feeling sad. 4) Connect with supportive communities that offer emotional validation Finding your tribe is finding a safe space to express your feelings, share your experiences, and receive understanding without judgment. By surrounding yourself with people who genuinely listen and empathize, you cultivate a sense of belonging and strengthen your ability to navigate challenges. Emotional validation from others helps you recognize the legitimacy of your emotions, and reinforces the fact that you are not alone in your struggles. 5) Foster mindfulness Learn about how to be more present with yourself so you start noticing your numbing behaviors and what triggers them. You'll feel more empowered and make healthier choices. Change does not happen overnight. The more you practice mindfulness, the easier it will be to spot and stop yourself from engaging in numbing like behaviors. Being vulnerable is the new richDon’t try to make something great. Make something true and it will be great. - Adam Schmalholz Vulnerability is a paradox. We spend so much time running from it, avoiding it, pretending it doesn't exist and yet, it’s the very thing that frees us. The moment we embrace it, we unlock a deeper connection to ourselves and the world around us. When you're vulnerable you show up for yourself in your rawest form and you naturally deepen your ability to love, connect, belong, and feel. Normalize being vulnerable. The beauty of it is that you can also become a role model for others who take your courage as inspiration to start living as their authentic selves. External factors should not dictate how you feel about yourself. They should not cause you to be afraid or ashamed. Whatever situation you are going through right now that you feel embarrassed about, just know you are not the only one in the world going through it. Vulnerability should be celebrated. Be ok with not everyone liking you and you'll find the people that love you for who you are. That's it for today. Enjoy the rest of your weekend. Chat next week, Jess Inspire, Empower, Transform. P.S If you're a coach or an athlete, schedule a free call here if you want to:
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