The Modern World is Producing Millions of Lonely Men & Women
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The JD Letter May 10, 2025 “True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are. It requires you to be who you are.”- Brené Brown Loneliness increases mortality risk by 26% - comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes daily, according to a study from BYU. I bet you are just as shocked as me by reading this but the truth is that we are living through what many are calling an isolation pandemic. Despite more ways to connect than ever before, a true sense of belonging is rare these days. Researcher and storyteller Brené Brown has been studying this for decades. She has spent her career exploring vulnerability, courage, shame, and empathy. Over the years Brown uncovered many truths about what prevents us from forming genuine connection. At the heart of Brown's research is a powerful discovery: Vulnerability, rather than being a weakness, is our most accurate measure of courage. Her TED Talk on this subject became a global phenomenon because it named something we all experience but rarely discuss: The fear that our authentic selves might be too messy, too complicated, or simply not enough. "Shame is the fear of disconnection," Brown explains. Most people walk around feeling that they're not good enough, and that keeps them from being truly seen. But her research reveals a liberating truth: when we dare to show up authentically, we create space for genuine connection.
Authenticity, belonging, and friendships - that's the theme of today's JD Letter. The One Habit That Builds Belonging"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."— Maya Angelou Simon Sinek was born in Wimbledon, England, before moving to Johannesburg and eventually settling in America. Like many of us, Simon grew up feeling the deep human hunger for genuine connection. His early life was marked by significant challenges in building the authentic relationships we all crave:
Yet despite these barriers to belonging, he never stopped seeking authentic connection. "Loneliness isn't about physical isolation. It's about feeling misunderstood or unable to communicate who you truly are. Simon revealed in his conversation with Steven Bartlett. This insight reflects a universal truth: true friendship requires being seen for who you really are. His ability to express these emotions clearly became the foundation for everything that followed. Simon rejected shallow connections. He then worked to understand the deeper layers of human relationships. He studied friendship patterns. He observed what made people feel truly seen. At his lowest point during a trip to Afghanistan, he discovered the secret to authentic belonging: "True purpose in life is to serve those who serve others." But instead of hiding his vulnerabilities, he leaned into authentic self-expression: • His willingness to admit feeling lonely • His honesty about relationship struggles • His practice of "sitting in the mud" with others during difficult times In a world where many connections feel transactional, Simon has a different approach to friendship and belonging. He promotes a radical idea: "No crying alone." This way his friends know they can reach out in distress. Creating authentic belonging doesn't mean waiting for perfect friendships to appear. It means having the courage to be vulnerable. It means developing the skills to truly listen. It means being willing to "sit in the mud" with someone without trying to clean them off immediately. Simon identified what was missing: "There's an entire section in the bookshop called self-help and there's no section called help others... what we're desperately needing more than anything is a help others industry." Today, Simon views authentic relationships as requiring 4 essential elements:
Even though he still feels lonely at times, he knows true belonging isn't the absence of hard emotions. Friendship Is the Most Underrated Life Hack“The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection.”— Johann Hari Jordan Peterson grew up in rural Alberta, Canada. Like many deep thinkers, Jordan has felt the heavy weight of isolation during life’s darkest moments. His experience with profound loneliness came with major challenges that nearly broke him:
Yet despite these overwhelming circumstances, he never surrendered to permanent isolation. "Loneliness is failing to allow yourself to be helped when you're truly drowning," Peterson revealed in his conversation with Dr. Oz. This insight reflects a truth we all must face: true connection requires the courage to be vulnerable enough to accept support. His ability to analyze human connection became the foundation for everything that followed. Jordan refused to accept that loneliness was inevitable. He worked to understand the deeper dimensions of how people build meaningful relationships. He studied interaction patterns. He observed what made people feel genuinely connected. He leaned into practical approaches to authentic connection:
In a world where many hide behind screens, Jordan offers a different path to friendship and belonging. He promotes a counterintuitive idea: "Trust is not naivety, it's courage." He doesn't advocate superficial networking. He transforms how we think about what makes friendships meaningful. Creating authentic belonging doesn't mean waiting for others to reach out first. It means having the courage to extend trust. It means mastering basic social skills many have forgotten. It means establishing "stakes in the ground" where connections can gradually form. Just 10 minutes of vulnerable conversation between strangers creates the same level of closeness that typically takes 200+ hours of natural interaction (Arthur Aron's Fast Friends study). Jordan Peterson didn't wait for someone to solve his loneliness. He identified what was missing: "Many people lack the fundamental interaction abilities that allow for meaningful connection... yet these ritualistic exchanges are extremely important for social integration." The Biology of Being Fully Yourself“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’”— C.S. Lewis Andrew Huberman was born to a physicist father and writer/teacher mother, growing up with an innate curiosity about the natural world. Like many of us, Andrew's path to authentic connection was neither direct nor easy. His adolescence was marked by significant challenges in forming genuine connections:
But Andrew never abandoned his search for meaningful connection. "Loneliness isn't just feeling alone. It's a neurobiological state that impacts our entire system," Huberman explained in his conversation with Steven Bartlett. Neurologically speaking it seems that genuine friendship is as essential to our wellbeing as proper nutrition or adequate sleep. Andrew refused to accept superficial connections and actively worked to understand the deeper dimensions of human relationships through the lens of neuroscience. He studied neuroplasticity and its role in transformation. He observed how dopamine regulation affects our capacity for connection. At a pivotal moment at age 18-19, after a physical altercation, he discovered: "Personal transformation requires disrupting existing narrative structures about oneself while creating space for new possibilities." But instead of hiding behind academic language, he leaned into authentic self-expression: • His vulnerability in discussing his personal struggles with relationships • His emotional response when describing how friends "descended on his home" during a crisis • His practice of maintaining consistent check-ins with a core group of trusted friends In a world where many relationships are mediated through dopamine-spiking technologies, Andrew champions a different approach to friendship, belonging, and authenticity. He promotes a radical idea: Even something as simple as daily "good morning" texts can provide the consistent connection our nervous systems require. He doesn't advocate quick fixes. He transforms how we think about what makes relationships neurobiologically meaningful. Creating authentic relationships means understanding the biological mechanisms that underpin connection. It means developing the capacity to transition between states of stimulation and relaxation. It means recognizing that friendship is not a luxury but a fundamental requirement for optimal brain function. People with strong social connections show 50% increased longevity compared to those who are isolated (Harvard Study of Adult Development). Andrew Huberman went from troubled teen to neuroscience pioneer. Because he dared to explore what authenticity really means at the level of our biology. Today, Andrew views authentic relationships as essential components of our neurological health, requiring deliberate attention and care. Despite his professional success, he understands that true belonging isn't reflected in social status or achievement, but in having friends who will show up during life's most challenging moments. The people who provide the consistent, reliable connection our nervous systems need. What If You’re Not Meant to Do It Alone?“We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship.”— Harville Hendrix The South African concept of Ubuntu, often translated as "I am because we are," offers us a profound framework for understanding everything we've discussed about friendship, belonging, and authenticity. As Archbishop Desmond Tutu beautifully articulated: "A person is a person through other persons. None of us comes into the world fully formed. We would not know how to think, or walk, or speak, or behave as human beings unless we learned it from other human beings. We need other human beings in order to be human. I am because you are; you are because we are. The solitary, isolated human being is a contradiction in terms." This wisdom reveals that our modern struggles with loneliness aren't just personal challenges but represent a fundamental misunderstanding of human nature. When Peterson speaks of extending trust as an act of courage, it aligns perfectly with Ubuntu's recognition that our humanity unfolds through relationship. When Brown urges us to embrace vulnerability, she's inviting us into this same ancient truth: That authenticity is a space we create together. Perhaps the isolation pandemic we're experiencing isn't just about physical distance or social media's limitations. I think it stems from forgetting this essential truth: We cannot be fully human alone. Our authenticity emerges not in isolation but in the brave space of an authentic relationship. Our capacity for joy, meaning, and purpose grows not through self-sufficiency but through acknowledging our need for one another. Every time we extend trust, share vulnerability, or create a space for someone else to be authentically seen, we're participating in the ancient and sacred practice of becoming more fully human. I think the most radical thing we can do in a disconnected world is to remember that healing begins the moment we choose to belong to each other again. Maybe you're searching for purpose, if you are start here: let yourself be seen, let someone in, and remember that this is all part of the experience of being a human being. That's it for today. Chat next week, Jess Inspire. Empower. Transform. P.S. If you enjoyed reading this letter, please consider sharing it with someone you love. |
